You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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