12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
