talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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