before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
