you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
