her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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