If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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