:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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