after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
