You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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