He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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