all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
