the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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