I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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