I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize