I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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