I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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