sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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