its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize