I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
