Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
