so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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