I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my shit smells like andre
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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