Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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