Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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