I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
