A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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