that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
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