He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
