At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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