i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Randomize
