The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He passed out mid-signature
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
