just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize