They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
