Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
