It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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