remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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