Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize