so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
