umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
