Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
