Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
