I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
