I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
