were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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