Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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