Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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