sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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