My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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