so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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