rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize