if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize