So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
