When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
