the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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