I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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