I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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